To the graduating class of 2003: Come to UC Berkeley! Venture forth into the world of higher learning, limitless possibility, and the eventual sobering reality check. At this prestigious university you will acquire all the knowledge necessary to tackle and conquer the harshness of “the real world”. Expect to gain practical wisdom from classes like the following:
Psych 106: The Psychology of Dreams: wherein you will gain insight into your cavernous unconscious, to realize that your mid-afternoon nightmare about your roommates torturing the new subletter was neither a harbinger of your own miserable demise, nor an insignificant consequence of indigestion, but a suggested method for dealing with that future boss who won’t give you that requested day off. Delight in the long, tedious hours of analyzing what’s truly pertinent to your real life!
English C106: The Bible as Literature: where you will have the opportunity to warp and distort religious relics and history, in an attempt to discover your tortured spirituality. With some patience and discipline, you should expect to walk away with the confidence that (1) everything you’ve ever conceived of this religion is a sham, and (2) you really are an appalling excuse for a Christian…so is everyone else. Take this away with you on your first big interview, dazzle them with your pretentious academic rendering of theology. This will show them who the top candidate for “marketing associate” should be. Goodness, it’ll knock their socks off!
Join us. Drop the sixty grand you were expecting to spend in training for an actual trade on an education that’ll further heighten your terror and confusion. We will prepare you for what awaits. We will guide you through the path of success and practical living.