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The night the ninjas attacked my sister's car

My department is hosting our admitted students this weekend - we wine and dine and get them drunk in an effort to get them to come to Cal next year as new grad students. We were short a driver, so my sister let me borrow her car for the weekend. I picked it up last week, as she's been in Mexico, the midwest, etc for the last two weeks. Just to fill in the time gaps in this story, I parked the car in my driveway Sunday-Tuesday. Tuesday night I drove to San Francisco for a concert, parked near Market Street for about three hours, and drove back. It was parked in my driveway until Friday.

I got pretty worried when I saw the first dent - a really big ding in the rear quarter panel. WTF, that was a really hard car door hit, shit, I am going to have to replace this panel and it's going to cost me as much as a new mountain bike. I was in the midst of ferrying students from somewhere to somewhere else, so I didn't think about it for long.

I saw the second dent when I was on the phone with Kerry - the car was in the driveway, and I was outside improving my mobile phone reception. Then I saw the small dents all over the top of the car, and the ones on the trunk. What. The. Fuck. Could have possibly have caused this? Let me show you what I'm talking about:

As you can see, there was clearly a strike with some kind of solid object to cause the big dents in the back. And it looks like it hit half a dozen times, some harder than others. It's too high to be a car door; maybe one of those barriers that you go through in a parking garage, but I hadn't gone through any and I certainly hadn't been whacked repeatedly with one.

Even more perplexing are the dents on top - smaller, and without any indication of a sharp impact. These ones look like someone was dancing all over the car, and kind of took a couple hard hops. Or like someone just beat on it really hard with their fists. Why would you do that, especially after you'd already run into it with some mysterious piece of machinery?

The only explanation that makes sense is ninjas.

When John and I drove to San Francisco on Tuesday night, parking off Market for two or three hours, a roving pack of ninjas must have spotted it, and realized that it was the prefect location for a ninja fight. One of them had a big cane, and whacked the car with it whilst another ninja dodged out of the way. Throwing his cane aside, the two of them must have jumped on top of the car, fought for a while, made some dents, and continued on their way.

I know this sounds far-fetched, but it's really the only plausible explanation.

I talked to Teddy the next morning. I wanted to find out whether the car was fully insured before telling my sister. He assured me that he thought it was, and that just the week before Lisa had been hoping a tree would fall on it.


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Comments (17)


"He assured me that he thought it was, and that just the week before Lisa had been hoping a tree would fall on it."

Have you considered that your sister was the ninja? That would be tricky.


Is she tired of car ownership and wants the money?

Excellent use of Occam's razor. Indeed.

1. Lisa could not be the ninja, because a) she was in the great state of Nebraska at the time and b) that's insurance fraud!

2. She's not necessarily tired of car ownership. Luckily the ninja avoided all the bits that make it go vroom, and just put some dents in the exterior. So she still gets to drive the car, just with more dents, and maybe more money. It's like hail damage, but more mysterious!


so the car is fully insured? That's good news. I can't believe how dented it is! PS- if Lisa really is a ninja I bet she could be in NE and CA at the same time...


I'm flattered that you guys think me a ninja! I really just want an excuse to get a fit when I graduate.

PS. I'm sort of looking forward to riding around in a beater. A *literal* beater.

We'll definitely have to leave some exposed primer when we fix the paint, to add to the beater appeal.

How is it that nobody has commented on my sick photoshop job???


Oh my, I laugh every time I look at it. I'm going to imagine a ninja and giggle from now on every time I look at my car.


Knarly ninja of a photoshop job Katie!


I have a new theory. You see the roll of toilet paper in the rear window? If you park on market, someone might've been in desperate need of that soft tissue paper roll. And the frustration of it settin' in plain sight could've ninja-ized them.

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